I’m reading Jesus the King by Timothy Keller this morning when I’m struck by doubt.
How odd is it that I believe in God with all the philosophies and sciences that the world offer that many find so much more sound? How odd is it that the God I believe in sent His only Son to this world to brutally die on a cross so He could raise again?
I tired to contradict the thought- at first- by mostly lying to myself. That I chose this rationally and not to doubt my actions. I was just really overwhelmed and scared. So I wrote about it in my journal:
The fact of the matter is I was in a very dark place. Such a dark place that I didn’t want God. It was a stage of spitefulness and bitterness. My pride told me I was going to figure out a way to live. The truth was I would probably kill myself. This is precisely when the God of all began to serenade me. A soft whisper that I didn’t even realize Light was present. My heart was being drawn into the most peace and joy I could ever experience. He completely captivated me by His love, and I thrived in His grace. I could breathe. With that, I could live- and not just passively, but with purpose. Weights dropped off my shoulders. An irresistible freedom was found. Since then I have wandered, rebelled, and strayed. Yet, I always return and barely because of my own will. I return because His character is so beautiful I can not resist it for long. And every time He celebrates with me a return; there is new hunger, deeper sense of blessing, and a stronger desire to simply be in fellowship with Him. It is really Him rescuing me time after time. Oh, I pray and pray that my nature will be overcome and one day I will have a moment where I feel so succumbed to Him and my life will be characterized by discipline and obedience. Aspects of that are present today, but I want depth, rooted so firm in the Lord there is no doubt in my mind what the Spirit needs me to do. I want an intimacy so profound that I am only able to go where Jesus is leading because of the yearning of my heart.
No, it is not odd to believe in this Divine when His presence is such a reality to me. It is not a stretch to believe what Jesus did when the need of redemption is clearly evident in my life and the cross is the only way that did and will continue to save me. Christianity chose me. In the most irrational and lovely way.
*I am not going to YWAM. I almost did. I was signed up and everything, but my life needs to be here. I want to be in this community long term, and God wants me here long term- I knew that while applying. But learning so deeply for 5 months sounded like what I needed. After prayer and a moment of oh-duh, it was clear I need to stay local. Volunteer, join a book study, go to classes, be present in my community… that’s where the Lord is leading me. Sometimes you just have to test waters for the Truth to speak to you I guess.
No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day. John 6:44 ESV